What My Dog Hears When I Talk

My dear friend Kearsie did a blog post titled “What My Children Hear When I Talk”, and it was hilarious to read. However, since I only have a fur baby, I decided to make a similar post about Olive. Don’t judge, she’s a living being that we keep alive and Michael and I love her obsessively because she is our only child right now.

But really, she’s so cute. She’s a turd sometimes, but we adore her anyways.

What I say: Olive, come here!
What she hears: Hey Olive, if you feel like it, could you slowly walk over here? But by all means, move at a glacial pace.

What I say: Olive, are you hungry?
What she hears: I AM ABOUT TO GIVE YOU THIS ENTIRE BAG OF DOG FOOD SO GET PUMPED.

What I say: Get away from my plate. That’s not your food.
What she hears: Hey, can you scoot back just a little and then sit and look at my food like it’s your only hope for living?

What I say: Get off the couch.
What she hears: Please stay on the couch.

What I say: Do you need to go to the bathroom?
What she hears: Let’s go sniff the ground and walk around for 10 minutes in the 95 degree heat!

What I do: Starts to make dinner for Michael and I.
What she thinks: Thank God she’s finally going to make me human food. I think I’ll stand here at her feet in case she drops anything.

What I say: Olive, don’t eat that.
What she hears: Please eat that. Please scarf it down so fast that you don’t even chew.

What I say: Sit.
What she hears: Sit but then stand right back up.

What I say: Do you want a treat?
What she hears: Sit. Down. Rollover. Sit. Fling your body around so that I can give you a treat.

What I say: Do you want some peanut butter?
What she hears: Do you want the food of the gods?

What I say: Go to your bed.
What she hears: Go stand next to your bed and look at me like you’ve never seen it.

What I say: Olive, come snuggle with me!
What she hears: Go snuggle with your dad!

What I say: Bye, Olive! We’ll be back soon.
What she hears: See ya never!

Please let me know if you feel my pain, friends!